Monday, July 07, 2008

Heartbroken Me

I have been in a fog for most of the day. I have been forcing myself to go through the routines of living, because I so much want to just give up. I am tired and discouraged and right now it is hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Why am I feeling this way? Last night the relationship that I have enjoyed for the past 13 months came to an end. My girlfriend and I came to the conclusion that there were a number of things in our lives that we needed to work on in our lives and that we couldn’t do work on them while we were in a relationship.

This is so hard because I truly thought she was the one I was going to marry. I was getting prepared to close out my ministry here in Storm Lake and move to Las Cruces, NM so we could actually begin to create a life together. Now all that is over and I have to try to get back into a ministry mindset after being on autopilot for the better part of the last month.

Even though the decision was mutual it still hurts and it leaves me with lots of questions about life and about who I am. The two questions that continue to haunt me are: “Will I always be alone?” and “Do I have what it takes to be a man?” I feel so inadequate right now about everything and the path of change seems so difficult that I wonder if it is even worth it. Why can’t things be easy?

Thanks for reading my little therapy session. I don’t want to bore you with anymore of it. I want to ask for your prayers that God will direct me and that I will have the courage to follow that direction.

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